Srini’s reaction is not unique. Most of us create a reference group of people we know and engage in a zero sum game with them. So, on every occasion that any of them succeed, we feel deprived of our chance to gain, and are driven to impotent anger and jealousy. However our inner mind tells us that jealousy is a negative thought which should be eschewed. We therefore redeem ourselves by our positive reactions to people outwith the reference group.
Srini would hence be charitable in his countenance to both Bill Gates and a beggar.
In short, Bill Gates’s private jet doesn’t disturb our sleep as much as the neighbor’s new Santro! And a beggar’s misery doesn’t make us happy as much as the neighbor’s misfortune!!
There are two ways of tackling this negativity. The obvious way is to erase the reference group. But it is easier said than done. We need social coordinates to position our lives so as to define,measure and respond to our relative successes and failures.
I will share the second way that works for me.
A simple set of 2 posers with honest answers:
1] Would it be 'me' if not 'him'?
The answer exposes the fallacy of the zero sum hypothesis.
2] What should I do to achieve like he has?
The answer gives the recipe for success.
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3 comments:
That is a brilliant comment Alterego, about the reference group excluding Bill Gates and the beggar. Makes me conclude that it is a group that one thinks is without extremes or outliers. And we are surprised or betrayed by the success of any member in that group.
One question for you sir; how is a Reference Group different from a Peer Group?
I used the term 'reference group'to include social neighborhood as well.'peer group' is used more in the school/workplace context.
Regards
Amazing insight. 'Keeping up with the Joneses' has been the bane of an otherwise decent lot. Maybe the answer is in 'Sathsangam' - a close knit group of friends that mirror your sentiments - easier said than done...
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